im dying i’m already dead
program | emofuri
judge in court: everything u say will be held against u
judge: haha case dismissed
[touches own boob] nice
I took a shit in my grandma’s cat’s litterbox when I was like 13 and my whole family was wilding out trying to figure out why the cat took such a huge dump. Then they took her to the vet and we found out she has feline HIV so in a way, I helped her.
this story was wild from start to finish
RIGHT OKAY SO I WAS TALKING TO MY 5 YEAR OLD COUSIN ON SKYPE ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO AND SHE LEFT FOR A LITTLE WHILE TO GO DO SOMETHING AND DIDN’T WANT ME TO BE LONELY, SO SHE LEFT HER PET FURBY (SHE CALLS IT “LULU”) ON A CHAIR TO “TALK” TO ME FOR A WHILE
SO I ROLL WITH IT AND JUST KIND OF BUM AROUND FOR A MINUTE WAITING FOR HER TO GET BACK WHEN SUDDENLY A NOISE THAT SOUNDS LIKE SATAN’S ASSHOLE FARTING OUT A METALLICA SOLO COMES OUT OF THE SPEAKERS, WHILE AT THE SAME TIME LULU DECIDES TO START LAUGHING FOR A GOOD 20 SECONDS NON-STOP IN A HIGH PITCHED SCREECH
AND THEN MY COUSIN WALKED BACK IN AND EVERYTHING JUST IMMEDIATELY HALTED
NOT SURE IF I SHOULD INFORM SOMEONE THAT SHE’S PROBABLY LIVING WITH A HELL DEMON DISGUISED IN A PLUSHY PINK PACKAGE JUST WAITING TO DEVOUR THE SOULS OF THE LIVING
It’s 2014. Anyone who buys their child a furby knows exactly what sort of unholy pact they are making, trust me.
Do you ever lay in bed and crave someones arms around you but like its not gonna happen so you want to explode
PRO TIP: watching “how it’s made” is SUCH a good way to combat an anxiety attack! There’s soothing music, a soothing narrator who’s intonation never changes (narrators never yell or change their speaking pace), it’s engaging enough to keep you occupied but doesn’t force you to think too hard!
also sometimes the narrator makes bad puns
Just got back from the gym
ARE YOU THE BLACK WIDOW?
Barton, I’ve been compromised.
OMG I CAN IMAGINE BARTON ALL LIKE “I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET A TUMBLR!!!”
cute story time: my one friend is dating a boy who is blind and they go for walks everyday and as they walk she describes everything to him and he always says that “she makes everything sound so beautiful, except herself, but one day I’m determined to make her describe herself in the same beautiful way she describes the earth” I’m so